It’s hard to pinpoint when, exactly, I made the conscious effort to “get better.” By “get better,” I mean realizing that waiting until I grew up to do things has long passed, and that I don’t want to look back on my thirties like I do my twenties and wonder what the hell I was doing with my life.
If I had to pinpoint, I’d say the impetus for this decision was born out of my father’s death (no sympathies needed, please and thank you; we were estranged). I wouldn’t have imagined his death would’ve shaken me the way it did, but shake me it did, because any chance for us to really get to know each other is long gone, you know? It did allow me to get to know more members of his side of the family, and it allowed me to get some real answers about his and my mom’s marriage from my mother. I see my childhood in a far more complete light now, which allows me to see my decisions and myself in a far more complete light.
Which brings me to the here and now. I’m thirty-two, and still wondering what I’m going to do with my life. I know I’m not alone in this, but I realized it’s time to make a serious, conscious effort to make changes.
One of those changes is getting off birth control. No, I’m not trying to have a kid (however, if it happens, it happens). Rather, I’m trying to straighten out my hormones so that my body can process its natural testosterone the way it should, which will in turn lead to me feeling less anxious and depressed, as well as hopefully leading to feeling actual desire. Thanks to the way my body is made, I feel about the same amount of desire as a robot, and not of the Cylon variety. The hubby and I are hoping that getting off the pill will correct this without further treatments (testosterone creams or pellets), but this is step one. If this works the way I think it will (and I’m basing this assumption on what I’ve heard, read, and discussed with other women who got off the pill), I’m going to feel a lot better as well as a lot happier. And as a result, the hubby will be happier too. 😉
There’s also potential medical benefits of getting off my daily baby aspirin (the pill is making my blood too thick) and also erase any liver scares, which I had late last year. There’s the worrisome side-effects of getting pregnant, of course (and I still can’t decide if I want one or not), as well as dealing with ovarian cysts. The pill is supposed to prevent those little bastards, and I had one last year regardless. That was a minor one, and it didn’t require surgery to take care of, but I dread the thought of getting something bigger.
So that’s that. And of course, there are other “Me Project” things I’m focusing on: dropping the book blog so my time isn’t dictated by what I read and when and how I’m going to write about it. And exercise by means of the elliptical and daily walks (which is helping the mood factor). There are other projects and considerations as well, so if you ever see the “Me Project” category, you’ll know what’s up.
I’m trying to focus on the here and now, as well as my future and REALLY decide what I want and what makes me happy. Not as easy as it sounds, and for someone like me, who looks at the past with a revisionist’s eye, it’s frustrating as hell to see where I went wrong and how and NOT be able to go back and fix things (like I would in a novel, for example). We’ll see how this goes. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but if you see a bunch of posts about me moaning and groaning about past decisions and future ones, at least you’ll know why. 🙂