The following post will be put behind a cut (or, for you email readers, you’ll have to click through to read the full post) for the sake of the squeamish, particularly men. The following post is not graphic in any form or fashion, but it does discuss the visitor women get every month, so even though the story I’m about to tell is funny in a “thank god that wasn’t me” kind of way, if the existence of how a woman’s body functions (or how my body functions) grosses you out, stop reading now (especially if you’re reading this on a feed).

Still here? Okay!

So. If you’re a woman, then you probably remember that day when you got your first visitor. You were young, and even if you were educated about it, you were probably completely caught off-guard and therefore unprepared. Right? Of course, after the first time, you’ve got months and years of practice: how to recognize the warning signs, where to tastefully hide “protection,” etc. By time you’re in your thirties, you’re a pro at handling the dreaded visitor. Right?

Unless you’re like me, whose birth control gives her a quarterly visitor instead of monthly. Someone like me, whose birth control told her on Sunday that yes, the visitor would arrive this week, but was so distracted by jury duty that she forgot to make sure she had protection on her at all times. Someone like me, who is 32 and way too old for this shit, who had to approach the bailiff, who was a male, and request a female clerk due to “female issues” (a bailiff, for the record, who’s probably old enough to be my dad and knew exactly that “female issues” was code for).

Yeah. That happened today. Thankfully, the bailiff was a total gentleman, and thankfully, I wasn’t too proud to ask, but can I just say I felt like a middle-schooler all over again? Because seriously, when does that shit HAPPEN otherwise?

Also, this happened the day after I had to ask the bailiff what happened if I really needed to pee during proceedings. As in, holding it three-and-a-half hours need to pee. As in, I’m-about-to-wet-myself need to pee.

Welcome to my week. It’s been awesome so far. 🙂