It’s a new year, and a new set of lists! I’m going to continue my monthly culture consumption, and I’m adding a bit of commentary to a few of the categories. Not much, nothing like my old reviews, but they’re better than nothing! If you want me to talk further, or if I don’t talk about something you’re really interested in, just comment and let me know.
Author: Shara
Ban Bossy
So there’s a campaign that’s caught my eye: BanBossy.com is sponsored by Lean In and the Girl Scouts of America, just to name a few, and its message is to promote leadership in young girls while educating the world about the double-standard that exists: boys aren’t bossy, they’re leaders. Girls aren’t leaders, they’re bossy. And that very message is something that silences girls through-out the years, and in some ways teaches them to be passive, though often disguised as teaching them to be polite.
It hits home.
I was definitely called bossy as a kid. But what I remember most about that isn’t the simply the fact I was called bossy (and nosey: those were the two main criticisms leveled at me during my formative years), but rather I remember the people who leveled the criticism at me, and those people were my friends.
Those people were girls.
I never realized how easily those labels held me back, mentally and socially and developmentally. Oh, I was certainly a leader when I was a youth, but I was a deferential one, always: I lacked the self-confidence to really stand for what I believed in because I didn’t want to be aggressive. I also didn’t want to be wrong.
And I remember those criticism, those labels, so clearly: they’re a thorn in the memory of my childhood, and as an adult, I can now fully recognize the power those words had on me: they, in short, shut me up. Because god-forbid I did something that made me less likable. I already felt like an outcast as a kid, so any criticism was taken to heart almost immediately: in order to be liked, I had to be normal. And normal wasn’t bossy. It wasn’t nosey or curious.
This campaign hits home because I wonder now, as an adult, how different I might be if not for those labels. While lately I’ve been working really hard to break my brain of the “What-If” game, I’m quite cognizant of the fact that my interactions with people, everyone from strangers to acquaintances to friends to loved ones, from readers of my blog over the years to my very own husband, are all based on my being able to accommodate, to put my needs aside, to feel like in order to be heard, I have to be super calm and rational and sweet. Don’t get me wrong: there’s nothing wrong with learning how to put other peoples’ needs before your own, so long as you know where the line is, so long as you know when you need to be number one. There’s nothing wrong knowing how to finesse an argument: there’s a time and place for anger, but it’s not always needed, nor is it always necessary to prove that you’re right.
But one of the things I’m realizing this year is that I’m at my most confident at work: I know my job, I know what I’m good at, and I have no trouble seeking help or second opinions when necessary. I’m direct and forthright because I’m an expert in my field, and while sometimes I have to “rounding the edges” a bit, that’s part of learning the art of compromise and finesse. I’m not perfect, but my role as a leader in the workplace is about learning when to lead and when to follow, when to be direct and when to be subtle, what to fight for and what to let go of.
Why I feel this way at work rather than other areas of my life is a story for another day, and probably not an interesting one. However, my point is this: how much braver would I be, right now, if I hadn’t grown up being afraid of being bossy? If curiosity hadn’t been ridiculed? If I hadn’t been taught that in order to succeed, I had to hold back?
Ban bossy. If I had daughters, I’d be right there with Jennifer Garner: I’d teach them to roar. In the meantime, I’ve got some catching up to do.
You can learn more about this campaign, and check out all of the awesome graphics, at BanBossy.com.
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Culture Consumption: February 2014
It’s a new year, and a new set of lists! I’m going to continue my monthly culture consumption, and I’m adding a bit of commentary to a few of the categories. Not much, nothing like my old reviews, but they’re better than nothing! If you want me to talk further, or if I don’t talk about something you’re really interested in, just comment and let me know.
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Be Brave
We didn’t have senior quotes in the yearbook at my high school. There were, in short, just too many of us graduating, because I hailed from a large graduating class in a large high school. However, because I was co-editor of the yearbook my senior year, I got one page to design as I wanted, as a kind of send-off. I designed the page for a lot of pictures, and in the very center, I put in a quote.
I am not afraid of failure.
I am afraid of succeeding at something that does not matter.
I stole that quote from from the quote board at Volunteer Girl’s State back in the summer of 1998. I don’t remember who wrote the quote up there, and I don’t recall it being attributed to anyone. What I do remember is reading it for the first time, feeling it resonate in me with all the power of a church bell, and rushing to write it down immediately.
I thought, that is it. That’s how I’m going to live my life.
Looking back, over fifteen years later, I have to laugh at that quote, at the girl who took it so dearly to heart. It was an ideal to strive for, not a motto that encompassed everything she believed in at the time. Because truth be told, I’ve never been brave. Half of that quote is a lie.
Because I’m afraid of failure. I always have been. And I’m also afraid of success in any form, because no matter how well I do, there’s a part of me that feels it’s simply not deserved.
It’s called, by the way, imposter syndrome.
Last year, I started the “Me Project,” a project all about focusing on myself (naturally): it was about accepting myself for who I was and getting better at what I do. And on some level, I’ve done that. But it’s been a very passive experiment up until now. And now, thanks to 2014’s startling lessons, I realize that it’s time to stop being afraid. It’s time to stop being afraid of myself, of my interests, of change. It’s time to start admitting that yes, I do have issues, and some of those issues are deeper than I ever realized. It’s time to start admitting that yes, I do sometimes need help and that yes, it’s okay to ask for help instead of standing up as the stoic enigma that everyone else can rest their heads on. I can do both. I can be both.
It’s time to start being brave. And that’s not going to happen overnight. But it’s time to stop fearing rejection. It’s time to start embracing all aspects, elements, and people in my life, instead of trying to fit them into neat little categories. Like a kid separating all the items on her dinner plate: thou shall not touch!
I’m done. That’s over. It’s time to stop looking to the future, looking to some sort of ideal of having “arrived” and just being. Just living, and accepting that life is change. Some change is good, some change is bad, and some change is worth fighting for.
It’s time to be brave.
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The Write Stuff: 2/23/14
Originally, I was going to post when I accomplished something BIG in terms of my writing. Well, there’s not always going to be something BIG every month, and since I want to at least do monthly writing updates, I need to post whether I’ve got something big or not.
When last we left off, I’d sent off Magic Elves [codename] to my beta reader and was waiting on feedback. I’d also sent off my short story to the C.C. Finlay edited edition of The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, and I getting ready to work on a short story for the Women Destroy Science Fiction! edition of Lightspeed.
So let’s start there:
1) Got my feedback on Magic Elves and did a brainstorming session with my beta reader about revising. Got some great stuff, and I’m trying to work this into a synopsis/brainstorming guide for revisions. This is something I’m working on for my upcoming workshop, and it’s due March 5th. I started out writing a long, detailed synopsis, and that was just sucking any sort of energy or joy I might’ve had for it, so it’s time to go back to the drawing board. I keep thinking I have enough time, but I don’t: like I said, it’s due March 5th. Between that and taxes, there’s plenty to keep me busy.
2) My short story for F&SF was rejected, and that’s okay. Sure, I was bummed out, but honestly, that’s the best rejection I’ve ever gotten, particularly for that story. It’s a strange piece that straddles the line between fantasy and literary fiction, and I’ve submitted it to both markets. The irony, or funny thing, or whatever, is that both markets always say it isn’t for them and to try the OTHER market. It’s a piece I still love, and I suspect that if I can’t find a home for it, I may end up self-publishing it on my site. That’s a long way off into the future, but it’s something I’m keeping in my back pocket.
Also fascinating was Finlay’s blog post talking about what the submission process was like and what he learned from it. Very interesting: if you’re a writer, you should read this, whether not or you submitted to the Finlay issue of F&SF.
3) I ended up deciding not to submit to Lightspeed magazine. There were lots of reasons: A) the story I ended up deciding on had the serious potential to spiral into a novel, and I knew if I didn’t write it and let it be what it wanted, if I tried to force it into a certain word count, it’d be a crappy story. B) I also didn’t have enough time to get it written, get it out to critiquers, give them enough time to read and respond, and get it back in time to make proper revisions and get it back out. C) The issue was highly competitive. Very few slots were given to previously unpublished stories, and I knew that established authors had a far better chance at those slots than I would, someone who’s not been published, which led me to D) my submission wouldn’t just be considered for the Women Destroy Science Fiction! Issue, but also any issues thereafter. Which meant, really, there was no hurry. I wanted to focus on getting Magic Elves ready to start before I turn to a project that might or might not be a novel. Also, it’ll give me time to E) really get to know Lightspeed as a market. I submitted to the Kickstarter, and for my efforts I’ve got a yearlong subscription to the mag. This will give me plenty of fiction to chew on and figure out whether or not it’s really the right market for my work. And that’s a good thing.
So now that we’ve caught up there, what have I been doing? Well, if you saw yesterday’s post, you know my focus has been shot. I’ve spent part of my time reading Karl Iglesias’ Writing for Emotional Impact. This was homework from my beta reader, so I did that before attempting any work on my synopsis for the revised book. And, as I mentioned before, I’ve made a few stabs, but in truth, I’ve not accomplished much since January 13th. It is what it is: I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I’ve got lots to do between now and the end of March, some of it writing-related, some of it not, and the way I figure, I’m just going to go with the flow.
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2014 Needs a Reboot
I haven’t been blogging. This comes as no great surprise, I know. If I’m lucky, I put up my monthly “Culture Consumption” and that’s about it. This year, I thought I’d get in some writing updates, and to date, there is one. My brain has not been in a blogging frame of mind, for which there are lots of reasons.
I’m writing this on my new-to-me laptop. I convinced my husband he needed to upgrade HIS laptop and give me his old one, and I finally won. Since I’m attending a writer’s conference the end of March, I really wanted a laptop to take with me and work on. Also, I’ve been chomping at the bit to have one to do regular internet things, like Facebook and checking my sites and whatnot, so that when I sit down at the iMac (my regular computer), it’s for SERIOUS STUFF. Like writing. Balancing the checkbook, and doing taxes (which I really need to get started on).
So yay for that. But I have to say, to date, 2014 has been a drag. This time of year is always kind of gray for me mentally, and every year, I realize that S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) hits my psyche harder than I remember or even want to admit. But after years of going through this, especially after seeing my comments on my retired book blog about how I don’t feel like reading this time of year, I have to finally admit (and then promptly forget in the Spring), that this is a THING for me.
But it’s not been made any better by the events of this year. Sometimes you’re riding along life, thinking things are just peachy-keen, and life throws you such a fast and hard curveball that you’re left reeling, wondering if the curveball was really meant for you, what it means, and if it really exists and if it’ll just go away if you just focus on something else. My ability to focus has been fairly shattered, and more than anything, I’d like 2014 to start over and, armed with the knowledge I have now, I’d like to make sure this curveball doesn’t happen. I’d like the ability to stop it before it ever leaves the pitcher’s mound.
Of course, until time travel is invented or until parallel universes are discovered via Fringe style, I can’t do that, can I? I can’t change the past, and I can’t peak into a parallel universe to see what my life should or could be. After all, every curveball provides a crossroads, and those are a scary thing. I’d love to see what various opportunities are really afforded here. Who wouldn’t? Life doesn’t work that way, but because I’m a writer, my brain wants to explore all sorts of possibilities. In fiction, that’s great. It lets you look at story from all sorts of different angles and find the best one. In real life, there are no revisions, no do-overs, and no certainties. You just have to pick a path and throw yourself into it and hope and pray it’s the right decision, something you won’t know for sure until time has passed and perspective is provided. Perhaps, not even then.
I apologize for being vague and maudlin. To be honest, I don’t like talking about personal things, let alone talking about them online. I understand it’s unhealthy for me, because I need to be able to let things out, but I thoroughly dislike the idea of writing in a physical journal for anyone to pick up and read, and the idea of hiding something like I’m a teenager does not appeal. But 2014 is the kind of year that so far, I can’t be too specific, simply because I’m still processing and it’s sensitive, oh so very sensitive. But yet, I need to express. One thing that’s slowly getting reinforced as years go by is that I’m a writer, and I need to write. Journals or novels or stories or whatever, I need to let things out. Writing is easier than talking. Definitely more powerful, because I have the time to craft my words, make them weapons if need be. I don’t need weapons right now, but I do need release.
I need 2014 to start over so I can shape it into the year it needs to be.
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Culture Consumption: January 2014
It’s a new year, and a new set of lists! I’m going to continue my monthly culture consumption, and I’m adding a bit of commentary to a few of the categories. Not much, nothing like my old reviews, but they’re better than nothing! If you want me to talk further, or if I don’t talk about something you’re really interested in, just comment and let me know.
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The Write Stuff: 1/13/2014
I figured I could just do a writing update at the end of every month, but where’s the fun in being that predictable? Instead, I think I’ll post when I have something worth saying, such as after I’ve completed SOMETHING, and since the first quarter if this year is going to be full of various projects big and small, I think this is a good way to go about it.
So what’s up in my writing world?
Yesterday, I finished the proofreading/formatting pass of Magic Elves (code name). Here are the stats on that sucker: it took me 309 days in 2012 to write 579 pages, which added up to 132,013 words. That means, on average, I wrote 427.23 words per writing day. Talk about a huge difference between 2012 and 2013, where I averaged 916.77 words per writing day, where it took me 117 days to write 107,262 words on 473 pages in the LB Prequel. That’s a definite improvement, but there are a lot of factors to consider.
1) 2012 marked the first year I got back in the saddle after getting my Master’s in 2008 (and after I finished rewriting Telepathic Soulmates). It wasn’t that I didn’t write AT ALL between 2008 and 2012. I had spurts here and there, but I didn’t finish a thing. So it makes sense that getting back in the saddle took time and effort. I’ll never forget the first day of starting Magic Elves. Staring at the blank screen for what felt like hours, unable to swallow the knot of anxiety in my chest. I’m glad I’ve moved beyond that. That doesn’t mean you won’t catch me staring at a blank screen, or that I don’t get anxiety, but it’s for different reasons, and not the crippling kind.
2) Content: both projects I made up as I went along, but with Magic Elves, it was DEFINITELY a case where I didn’t know what I would do from one day to the next. I had a very basic idea, and then ground out a page per day (roughly). With LB Prequel, I was working in an existing world of my own creation, I knew the characters to a certain extent and was learning more about them, and therefore, I was already invested. It’s funny how, even after re-reading Magic Elves, I still find myself rather distant from the project. I hope that, once I really dig in and focus on what makes the novel cool and interesting, that I’ll be more invested during the rewrite, but there’s something to be said about working on a project that’s your baby (which for me is the world of LB Prequel and Telepathic Soulmates) and an idea that morphs into a project that hasn’t been years and years and years and years in the making.
That being said, both worlds — both projects — have been cannibalized from a fantasy novel I started when I was in college. Magic Elves would be more recognizable to those college readers in that the trappings are very similar. However, the characters of Telepathic Soulmates would be familiar to them too, as well as some of the key cultural THINGS that drive the story, albeit in an SF setting.
At any rate, I’ve sent Magic Elves off to my brainstorming reader. While I’m waiting on her feedback, I’ll be working on a short story for the Women Destroy Science Fiction! issue of Lightspeed Magazine. I’ve got three story candidates in mind, and all of them need some serious revision. That being said, I’m going to browse through the magazine some, get a better feel for what they publish, so that I can determine which of those stories might be the best fit (or determine if I’m barking up the wrong creek and need to churn out something completely new and fresh). Now that I’ve sent off my piece to The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, I can focus on this next project, which will be good for me. Already, after re-reading the story I sent off to F & SF, I’m starting to see how my writing style is evolving, and I’m starting to wonder if perhaps, sometime in the near-future, I won’t be working on a novel so much as writing some short fiction, just to see what I can do.
But that’s a musing for another day.
At any rate, it seems that January will be the month where I officially finished writing the discovery draft of the LB Prequel, which I sent off to my daily readers and posted a survey for them to respond to, proofread and adjusted the formatting of the discovery draft of Magic Elves and sent it off to my brainstorming reader, and then posted a short story to The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, of which I’ll get a response hopefully no later than February. No, I’m not telling you the name of the story or what it’s about or even its specific spec-fic genre. I’m kind of superstitious about that, for some reason. But when I get a response, I’ll let you know how it shakes out, okay?
January isn’t over yet, obviously. I have an SF short to get into shape, get feedback on, and get out by February 14th. And by then, I hope to have my feedback, erm, back for Magic Elves, wherein I’ll start working out a synopsis for the rewrite.
I think I can count all of this as a win, no?
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Culture Consumption: December 2013
As always, I’m happy to jabber about anything that’s on the following lists. If you want my opinion about something, just comment and ask.
And here are my December tallies! I likely won’t do a cumulative 2013 reading/entertainment post, because that would be a mile long and evil to scroll through. But I do intend to keep trying to do these monthly posts, so in the future, knowing what I consumed in any given year will be just a click away, right? So here’s how December shook out:
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On Writing: 2013 Wrap-Up and 2014 Outlook
In my 2013 Reflection post, I talked a little bit about what I was writing in 2013 and my vague plans for 2014. I want to talk more in detail here, and give a kind of outline for 2014 and what I want to accomplish.
2013 marks the second year in a row where I sat down and completed a novel from start to finish. Not a rewrite, not a revision. A zero-draft. A make-it-up-as-you-go-along draft. A crap draft. A dogfood draft. Whatever you want to call it, it’s the draft where you have an idea and want to explore it and see where it takes you. No pressure, no outlines, no real deadlines, just the need to sit down and prove it can be written. In 2012 that zero-draft was Magic Elves (codename). 2013 was the LB Prequel (I don’t even have a real title for this project, but it’s a prequel to Telepathic Soulmates). I didn’t QUITE finish LB Prequel in 2013. I did spend a good chunk of New Year’s Eve pounding out 33 pages, getting me through the major climax and turning points of the novel. I thought, afterwards, I’d only have two scenes left to wrap up the book, but when I sat down on New Year’s Day, I realized I was very much mistaken, and it took me all afternoon/evening to write 21 pages. A lot of that time was spent staring at the screen, trying to figure out just what the right note was to end the book on. It’s a different sort of ending for me. All of my novels (three to date) have bittersweet endings of sorts, but this one is happier than the other two (though my daily readers might disagree with that once they see what I did in the climax), which is a nice difference. I made a conscious effort not to do certain things in this particular ending, and I think I’m growing a bit, even if the bare bones of the zero-drafts still need a lot of work.
That being said, considering I started the LB Prequel thinking it’d be a novella and a straight up romance at that (SF romance, mind you, but primarily romance), this project turned into something quite different, something much bigger. It’s still a romance, and it’s still set in the SF world established in Telepathic Soulmates, but calling the story SF might be charitable. Let’s go with soft/social SFR, how’s that?
Yet I have to give myself some props: for Magic Elves, I basically wrote for 309 days to complete the zero-draft. I can’t tell you how many pages it is or how many words it is as I’m still compiling a full manuscript from my daily pages (stupid me not doing that as I went along; consider that lesson learned), but the goal was a page a day for a full year.
With the LB Prequel, it took me 117 days to write 107,262 words, which averages 916.77 words per day (and by per day, I mean per writing day). That is the fastest I’ve ever written a zero-draft, I’m pretty sure. I’d have to go look at the zero-draft of Telepathic Soulmates to be certain, but considering how long it took me to get to the point where I could even churn out a zero-draft without starting over? I’ve come a LONG way, baby, and I think this paragraph alone is a testament of why it’s important to have projects, to have some kind of daily goal, to have some kind of structure. Because even if you tell yourself you’re writing crappy, zero-drafts that will need a shit-ton of work and should never see the light of day until said shit-ton of work is finished, you’re still teaching yourself how to be a writer.
For me, it’s learning that unless I’m taking a vacation/sick/mental-health/drinking-too-much day (aka, take the night off), I need to head to my office around 9:00-9:30 pm, sit down, and start writing until it’s bedtime (and since I work a full 40 hours a week, that means going to bed before midnight on most days). In 2012, it was a page-a-day of Magic Elves. In 2013, it was progress in LB Prequel. My unconscious minimum was always at least a single, double-spaced page, but for the LB Prequel, I often wrote far more than that. Maybe I shouldn’t be so proud that it took me less than half a year to write it, because I was familiar with the world and the characters, and so what I was discovering wasn’t coming from the ground up. But whatever: the LB Prequel had a lot of surprises for me, some outright delightful ones in terms of plotting and character and motivation, so even though it needs a lot of work before I’d ever consider submitting it, I’m pretty happy with what I was able to do. I’m pretty happy with the habits that I’m instilling in myself as a writer.
What have I learned? That I’m happiest when I dedicate myself to a specific project for a set amount of time (beyond REASONABLE set amount of time, mind you). That I’m pretty much a night-writer, with exception of coming right up on my self-imposed deadlines, in which case I can plunk myself in front of a computer and write my ass off. You’d think these lessons would’ve been learned and instilled in my during my 2.5 years at my Master’s program, but there were other factors demanding my attention there, so I’m not surprised it’s taken me doing this on my own (with the help and encouragement of my daily readers, as I would literally be wallowing in self-hatred without them) to learn these lessons.
So with that in mind, what’s in store of 2014?
Yesterday, I sent a survey to my daily readers to fill out once they finish reading LB Prequel. Because while I have no intention on revising this beast this year, I do want those comments handy for the day when I do sit down and whip the sucker into shape. I wish I’d done it with Magic Elves, because 2014 is the year I plan on whipping Magic Elves into shape. The plan is to compile all those daily pages into a single, full manuscript, read the sucker and take notes (and hate myself and how bad and awful it is), and then write a synopsis as it stands. A long, detailed synopsis. Which will be critiqued by a highly intelligent and awesome group of writer friends and colleagues, and then using that feedback, and all of my notes, I’ll brainstorm the bastard with one of my daily readers and come up with an official outline for revision. It’s a funny thing, outlines: I’ve learned I can’t use them for zero-drafts. If I do, I drive myself crazy and fall out of love with the story. So essentially, the zero-draft is my discovery draft. But once that’s done and I can see the shape and potential of it? Outline all the way, baby.
The brainstorming session will happen end of March, early April. Which means from early April on, I’ll be rewriting Magic Elves (unless something new and shiny distracts me. I should always allow for the possibility of distraction when it comes to cool new ideas). I suppose the deadline to finish that rewrite will be the end of 2014, but I think I’ll wait to make any promises until I see what the rewrite will entail. I may need a shorter period. I may need a longer one.
Until then, I plan on using my evening writing time to focus on submitting short fiction for both the Charles Coleman Finlay guest-edited issue of The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction (deadline for submissions January 14), and the Women Destroy Science Fiction! special issue of Lightspeed Magazine (deadline February 14th). Once those deadlines are passed, I should be working hard on that synopsis, the crafting of which will take me to my March/April brainstorming session.
So that’s that. Plans are subject to change, of course, and while I’m not currently working on a new novel, I may designate some of these night-writing times for blogging, because I’d like to do more of it this calendar year, but I’m not going to make any goals or resolutions for that. Writing fiction is the priority. Everything else is just icing on the cake.
Calico Writes 