Month: February 2014

Be Brave

~ Shara ~ 4 Comments

We didn’t have senior quotes in the yearbook at my high school. There were, in short, just too many of us graduating, because I hailed from a large graduating class in a large high school. However, because I was co-editor of the yearbook my senior year, I got one page to design as I wanted, as a kind of send-off. I designed the page for a lot of pictures, and in the very center, I put in a quote.

I am not afraid of failure.
I am afraid of succeeding at something that does not matter.

I stole that quote from from the quote board at Volunteer Girl’s State back in the summer of 1998. I don’t remember who wrote the quote up there, and I don’t recall it being attributed to anyone. What I do remember is reading it for the first time, feeling it resonate in me with all the power of a church bell, and rushing to write it down immediately.

I thought, that is it. That’s how I’m going to live my life.

Looking back, over fifteen years later, I have to laugh at that quote, at the girl who took it so dearly to heart. It was an ideal to strive for, not a motto that encompassed everything she believed in at the time. Because truth be told, I’ve never been brave. Half of that quote is a lie.

Because I’m afraid of failure. I always have been. And I’m also afraid of success in any form, because no matter how well I do, there’s a part of me that feels it’s simply not deserved.

It’s called, by the way, imposter syndrome.

Last year, I started the “Me Project,” a project all about focusing on myself (naturally): it was about accepting myself for who I was and getting better at what I do. And on some level, I’ve done that. But it’s been a very passive experiment up until now. And now, thanks to 2014’s startling lessons, I realize that it’s time to stop being afraid. It’s time to stop being afraid of myself, of my interests, of change. It’s time to start admitting that yes, I do have issues, and some of those issues are deeper than I ever realized. It’s time to start admitting that yes, I do sometimes need help and that yes, it’s okay to ask for help instead of standing up as the stoic enigma that everyone else can rest their heads on. I can do both. I can be both.

It’s time to start being brave. And that’s not going to happen overnight. But it’s time to stop fearing rejection. It’s time to start embracing all aspects, elements, and people in my life, instead of trying to fit them into neat little categories. Like a kid separating all the items on her dinner plate: thou shall not touch!

I’m done. That’s over. It’s time to stop looking to the future, looking to some sort of ideal of having “arrived” and just being. Just living, and accepting that life is change. Some change is good, some change is bad, and some change is worth fighting for.

It’s time to be brave.

The Write Stuff: 2/23/14

~ Shara ~ 6 Comments

Originally, I was going to post when I accomplished something BIG in terms of my writing. Well, there’s not always going to be something BIG every month, and since I want to at least do monthly writing updates, I need to post whether I’ve got something big or not.

When last we left off, I’d sent off Magic Elves [codename] to my beta reader and was waiting on feedback. I’d also sent off my short story to the C.C. Finlay edited edition of The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, and I getting ready to work on a short story for the Women Destroy Science Fiction! edition of Lightspeed.

So let’s start there:

1) Got my feedback on Magic Elves and did a brainstorming session with my beta reader about revising. Got some great stuff, and I’m trying to work this into a synopsis/brainstorming guide for revisions. This is something I’m working on for my upcoming workshop, and it’s due March 5th. I started out writing a long, detailed synopsis, and that was just sucking any sort of energy or joy I might’ve had for it, so it’s time to go back to the drawing board. I keep thinking I have enough time, but I don’t: like I said, it’s due March 5th. Between that and taxes, there’s plenty to keep me busy.

2) My short story for F&SF was rejected, and that’s okay. Sure, I was bummed out, but honestly, that’s the best rejection I’ve ever gotten, particularly for that story. It’s a strange piece that straddles the line between fantasy and literary fiction, and I’ve submitted it to both markets. The irony, or funny thing, or whatever, is that both markets always say it isn’t for them and to try the OTHER market. It’s a piece I still love, and I suspect that if I can’t find a home for it, I may end up self-publishing it on my site. That’s a long way off into the future, but it’s something I’m keeping in my back pocket.

Also fascinating was Finlay’s blog post talking about what the submission process was like and what he learned from it. Very interesting: if you’re a writer, you should read this, whether not or you submitted to the Finlay issue of F&SF.

3) I ended up deciding not to submit to Lightspeed magazine. There were lots of reasons: A) the story I ended up deciding on had the serious potential to spiral into a novel, and I knew if I didn’t write it and let it be what it wanted, if I tried to force it into a certain word count, it’d be a crappy story. B) I also didn’t have enough time to get it written, get it out to critiquers, give them enough time to read and respond, and get it back in time to make proper revisions and get it back out. C) The issue was highly competitive. Very few slots were given to previously unpublished stories, and I knew that established authors had a far better chance at those slots than I would, someone who’s not been published, which led me to D) my submission wouldn’t just be considered for the Women Destroy Science Fiction! Issue, but also any issues thereafter. Which meant, really, there was no hurry. I wanted to focus on getting Magic Elves ready to start before I turn to a project that might or might not be a novel. Also, it’ll give me time to E) really get to know Lightspeed as a market. I submitted to the Kickstarter, and for my efforts I’ve got a yearlong subscription to the mag. This will give me plenty of fiction to chew on and figure out whether or not it’s really the right market for my work. And that’s a good thing.

So now that we’ve caught up there, what have I been doing? Well, if you saw yesterday’s post, you know my focus has been shot. I’ve spent part of my time reading Karl Iglesias’ Writing for Emotional Impact. This was homework from my beta reader, so I did that before attempting any work on my synopsis for the revised book. And, as I mentioned before, I’ve made a few stabs, but in truth, I’ve not accomplished much since January 13th. It is what it is: I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I’ve got lots to do between now and the end of March, some of it writing-related, some of it not, and the way I figure, I’m just going to go with the flow.

2014 Needs a Reboot

~ Shara ~ 7 Comments

I haven’t been blogging. This comes as no great surprise, I know. If I’m lucky, I put up my monthly “Culture Consumption” and that’s about it. This year, I thought I’d get in some writing updates, and to date, there is one. My brain has not been in a blogging frame of mind, for which there are lots of reasons.

I’m writing this on my new-to-me laptop. I convinced my husband he needed to upgrade HIS laptop and give me his old one, and I finally won. Since I’m attending a writer’s conference the end of March, I really wanted a laptop to take with me and work on. Also, I’ve been chomping at the bit to have one to do regular internet things, like Facebook and checking my sites and whatnot, so that when I sit down at the iMac (my regular computer), it’s for SERIOUS STUFF. Like writing. Balancing the checkbook, and doing taxes (which I really need to get started on).

So yay for that. But I have to say, to date, 2014 has been a drag. This time of year is always kind of gray for me mentally, and every year, I realize that S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) hits my psyche harder than I remember or even want to admit. But after years of going through this, especially after seeing my comments on my retired book blog about how I don’t feel like reading this time of year, I have to finally admit (and then promptly forget in the Spring), that this is a THING for me.

But it’s not been made any better by the events of this year. Sometimes you’re riding along life, thinking things are just peachy-keen, and life throws you such a fast and hard curveball that you’re left reeling, wondering if the curveball was really meant for you, what it means, and if it really exists and if it’ll just go away if you just focus on something else. My ability to focus has been fairly shattered, and more than anything, I’d like 2014 to start over and, armed with the knowledge I have now, I’d like to make sure this curveball doesn’t happen. I’d like the ability to stop it before it ever leaves the pitcher’s mound.

Of course, until time travel is invented or until parallel universes are discovered via Fringe style, I can’t do that, can I? I can’t change the past, and I can’t peak into a parallel universe to see what my life should or could be. After all, every curveball provides a crossroads, and those are a scary thing. I’d love to see what various opportunities are really afforded here. Who wouldn’t? Life doesn’t work that way, but because I’m a writer, my brain wants to explore all sorts of possibilities. In fiction, that’s great. It lets you look at story from all sorts of different angles and find the best one. In real life, there are no revisions, no do-overs, and no certainties. You just have to pick a path and throw yourself into it and hope and pray it’s the right decision, something you won’t know for sure until time has passed and perspective is provided. Perhaps, not even then.

I apologize for being vague and maudlin. To be honest, I don’t like talking about personal things, let alone talking about them online. I understand it’s unhealthy for me, because I need to be able to let things out, but I thoroughly dislike the idea of writing in a physical journal for anyone to pick up and read, and the idea of hiding something like I’m a teenager does not appeal. But 2014 is the kind of year that so far, I can’t be too specific, simply because I’m still processing and it’s sensitive, oh so very sensitive. But yet, I need to express. One thing that’s slowly getting reinforced as years go by is that I’m a writer, and I need to write. Journals or novels or stories or whatever, I need to let things out. Writing is easier than talking. Definitely more powerful, because I have the time to craft my words, make them weapons if need be. I don’t need weapons right now, but I do need release.

I need 2014 to start over so I can shape it into the year it needs to be.