Let me tell you about two people I encountered last night during the Filter concert. They are given knicknames to protect their identities, but let me implore you: do NOT be these guys. Ever.

First, I present to you Doublewide Redneck: dude wasn’t fat, but he was WIDE, the kind of guy who clearly is unconcerned if someone gets in their face and wants to start a fight. He’s a redneck because he literally had a red neck, and since I reside in the state of Tennessee, I’m allowed to bandy that term around, because I’ll use it properly rather than a catch-all term for Southerners I don’t like, thank you very much.

Doublewide Redneck wore a t-shirt that said “Drink Drank Drunk” (or something to that effect) and he had no problem shoving his way through the crowd to get where he was going. Namely, he had no problem shoving his way past me. He decided where he needed to go was RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, and it took all my willpower to not shove him in the ass with my foot. I’m not kidding. I figured, if it started a fight, I’d be all right: the venue’s security would most certainly take my side (a girl’s) over a drinking dude wearing a “drink drank drunk” t-shirt, and aside from my hubby and his very BIG (not fat, TALL and not a guy you want to mess with) best friend, I was also surrounded by two other very well built guys whom I’m pretty sure would back me up, especially since the guy to my right also got shoved out of the way by Doublewide Redneck.

Doublewide Redneck stood there for a few songs, oblivious to the holes I was burning into his back with my eyes, and decided to leave. This time, he pushed through on my OTHER side, and I rather refused to step out of the way out of principle. If he’d said “Excuse me,” I would’ve happily done so, but this guy was shoving his way through the crowd like it was his god-given right that we all get out of his way. I didn’t see him for the rest of the night.

Don’t be Doublewide Redneck.

Second is far more harmless but still scary: Sweaty Shirtless Dude. Sweaty Shirtless Dude gets into the MUSIC man and starts writhing around in ecstasy shortly after the first song starts and takes off his t-shirt immediately. He’s SO INTO IT that you’re afraid his pants and other clothing will come off in short order. Anyone navigating their way around this guy, especially girls, do their very best to make sure not a single part of their body comes in contact with Sweaty Shirtless Dude. This guy dances like a wet noodle during mating season. And somehow, he managed to do so, in front of me, for the entire Filter set.

Until I sat down on a couch to rest my weary back and feet. But then suddenly he was in my line of vision AGAIN, but before I could bemoan this development to my hubby sitting next to me, Sweaty Shirtless Dude disappeared. Cool. My hubby got up during his favorite song to stand among the crowd (brave, brave man) and I continued to chill on the couch, enjoying the music but not feeling the NEED to watch it happen (I’m a “music should be heard and not seen” sort of gal). But then, towards the end of Filter’s set, here comes Sweaty Shirtless Dude, and he points to the empty seat beside me and without waiting for a yay or nay from me, SITS DOWN. NEXT TO ME. Still Sweaty. Still Shirtless.

Ew.

I nearly pop up to leave, but figured that’d be TOO obvious and rude, so I wait a minute, then grab my empty drink and toss it (clearly showing Sweaty Shirtless Dude I was leaving to throw away garbage, not to get away from him and what has become a seriously RANK body odor). I join my group, Filter wraps up, and that is the end of Shirtless Sweaty Dude.

Don’t be Sweaty Shirtless Dude. Who, incidentally, was there with a date. Brave, brave girl.

I do, however, want to give props to The Mullet Man, whose mullet was a thing of perfection if such a hairstyle is your cup of tea. I did not get a picture, but my friend did. If I can get him to send it to me, I’ll post it here. I don’t want you to think I’m making fun of Mullet Man either. I’m not. While I would never in a billion years let hubby rock that hairstyle, if you CAN rock it, more power to you. And this guy rocked it.

You can be that guy, but only if you commit to it. I mean REALLY commit to it. 🙂

For those of you blanking on who the band Filter is (the lead singer is Robert Patrick’s, of Terminator 2 fame, brother), here’s a video of the song they’re most known for, “Take a Picture.” You may need to deal with an advert before the video, but if you know this band, you’ll recognize the song: